My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
PARKOUR
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
This is a bad sign
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.