If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
do horses think humans are hats
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons