How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.