I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[eats all your cotton candy]
Bringing home a sharpie
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages