Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin