Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The dark side of Canada
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.