Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.