Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
felt that
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”