*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.