The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.