Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.