An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Taliband
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING