My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
i meant to share this earlier
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel