Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
🤣🤣🤣
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.