I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.