I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
What’s this sorcery? 😂
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?