jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Ovenable?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
That took me a moment.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*