Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
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[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
iPhone X
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas