Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
monday
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.