i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
That’s it.I’m out.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?