Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
You Might Also Like
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Worst Native American name ever.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
just make the entire table out of coaster
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month