cry laughing at this shit
You Might Also Like
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles