If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
i choose….tongue
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me trying to “trust the process”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]