Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Facebook memories be like
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Holy moly
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Breaking news:
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name