I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Knock Knock
S M O L
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
🍛
2 years later
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.