Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
We need to put an American base on the sun
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.