7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*offers Batman cough drops*
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Krampus.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
early stone age tool
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.