Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
You Might Also Like
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
finally found a reasonable question
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
How did we not see this back then?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I think we should hear other voices.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.