People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
October already? What’s next? November????
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal