Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
*sewing*
A thread
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.