Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
This bar smells like my childhood.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined