[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice