If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
You Might Also Like
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
is it earth