*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
You Might Also Like
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
He a real one for that
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*