LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
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Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.