Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby