If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
im 7 sauces long
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”