“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep