*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not