Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
That earthquake could have been an email.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?