ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
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Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?