Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS