Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.