Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*