Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
just having fun
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.