I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Saturday
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot