Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
You can’t rush stupid.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.