Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT