People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Okay me first
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William