Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u